Taxes

It’s been so long since I’ve used Vickyloves as an outlet but there’s no better time to get stuff off my chest than now.

I used to be the type to see an inspirational quote and just “get it.” I understood what it was to be happy & now… Well, now I completely feel blindsided.

When Maja first got sick, it was a matter of when she’d get better. The thought of her not making it never crossed my mind. What you don’t know about my family is that we get through everything. Every bad we’ve gone through has been the biggest sling shot to something better, well in my opinion anyways. Fast forward to her second round of cancer.. There was doubt, fear but ultimately we felt all certain, regardless of what the doctors said, that she’d come out okay.

It’s been almost 3 months since she’s been home, sick & confined to the bed. And it’s been 3 months since I felt any optimism. I am so angry. I am SO angry. Bad things happen to bad people. They don’t happen to good people. I might be going to hell for saying this but I can name a dozen people who deserve to be in her position. But not my mom, not MY mom.

I think that’s the hardest thing to wrap my head around. Everyone keeps saying dumb fuck shit like “everything happens for a reason,” blah blah blah and don’t get me wrong. I used to be one of those too. But now I can’t stand any of that crap. I can’t stand anyone justifying what my mom is going through. I can’t stand trying to make sense of it bc it really doesn’t make any sense.

For weeks I was looking for something to make sense. Anything at all. Then when I needed it most, I read something that didn’t make me feel as lost. All the questions of “why her?” almost consumed my head until a simple explanation. Perhaps not a complete explanation but something to hold me over.

“You can’t ask for the extraordinary and then complain about what’s ‘fair’ …That’s the tax of being special.”

Sometimes the bad in life is like a tax you pay for having such a good life. Does that make sense? My mom has had such a fulfilling life. She’s loved by sooooo many and even she has admitted her life has been so wonderful, even with all the “taxes” she’s been through (refugee hardships, losing loved ones, life’s roller coasters).

But it clicked. The suffering she’s been through the last 3 months cannot be justified but perhaps a tax for living a full life like she did. Honestly that’s the only way I can explain what’s going on without wanting to put a gun to my head.

I held on to this info for awhile, trying to absorb it. I finally got to share it with my mom a few weeks ago. We were having a good mother daughter chat and I finally told her this piece of wisdom I had stumbled upon. She listened, and then she agreed. It made sense to her. Maybe she found some comfort in it too, who knows.

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