Day 25 of no food.

Day 25 of no food. Her water intake is slowly decreasing as well. We’ve been at this for 3.5 months. I wish there was some sort of manual to read on how to care for your dying mom. 
In the beginning it was mostly running around and doing what she asked. Then it was learning how to bathe her, wash her hair, feed her, change her, properly give her meds. The firsts for all of those were so scary and daunting when I look back. We had no idea how to do anything. Even washing her hair took a few tries to get it finally right. How do you wash someone’s hair that’s lying down without moving them!?? All the while making sure nothing got wet on the bed? We learned quickly how to do all of those things listed efficiently. If you had asked me then what i was doing I would’ve told u, “I don’t fucking know!” But bit by bit we all got the hang of it. Even changing her diaper wasn’t so scary anymore. I remember asking Brandon how I was gonna get through this and he said, “you’ll find a way.” After weeks and weeks, nothing seemed to scare us anymore. From her anxiety attacks to cleaning her sores (considering we couldn’t move her at all, the doctors were amazed we didn’t have more). When it seemed like we finally got the hang of things, 3 months passed by.

The last few weeks have been the saddest. My mom isn’t my mom anymore. At least before she could talk, get mad, show emotion, request her favorite foods, tell us she loved us. Now she lies here waiting for her day. 

I used to think we were so lucky to have time to say goodbye.. But the more I think about it, the more I feel shafted for having to see my mom slowly die. It’s a toss up. I don’t know what’s worse. Not being able to say goodbye & have her leave quickly or having months to prepare and watch her slowly slip? 

We’ve had months to prepare us for what’s coming but it feels like this time hasn’t helped one tiny bit. There are times when a wave of fear washes over me when I think of life without my mom. I feel like I can’t breathe. Tears come at me so quickly as though I wasn’t given any warning of her leaving us. I have no idea where the time has gone. What felt like an eternity now seems like it’s gone by in a flash.

I wish we had more time but at the same time I wish she didn’t have to suffer like this. I want her here, but not like this. 

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